The warnings you give your sexual partner before getting naked
Written by: Laura C. Anderson
Ever heard of a sexual disclaimer? I hadn’t either until I was a thong short of being naked and the guy I’m seeing interrupts our steamy moment to tell me he only has one ball sack. Yep, you heard me - just one little testicle down there. Does it make me a bad person if I nicknamed him Armstrong after that night? Probably. But if we’re all being honest here you probably would, too. Before you go auctioning me off to Satan just know he didn’t suffer from testicular cancer or any other disease or illness. It was a birth defect. One that prompted me to wonder how many times a woman or man has been so close to having sex but was then turned off due to a sudden sexual warning.
I took my curiosity to the streets for your reading pleasure so feel free to mock, empathize, celebrate, or take pity on the ten people below:
1. Toe-tally Odd
This girl I met off Tinder was so gorgeous. I mean a solid 10/10. She and I were ‘vibing’ so well on our date so I invited her home with me. It was the perfect evening until she took her shoes off in my apartment. That’s when I saw “it.” She has 11 toes. The weird thing is she didn’t even think to tell me; as if that’s not something you should at least let the person you’re with know? We were kissing on my couch when she wrapped her legs over mine. There it was. A sixth toe popping out right next to her pinky toe on her left foot. My shock and discomfort was written all over my face. I couldn’t move past it, I don’t care if it makes me shallow. Judge all you want. – Mac, 26
2. Wet N’ Wild
I’ll never forget the first time I went to have sex with my ex-girlfriend. She and I never really spoke about sex too often, or – ever, really – so when it was time to finally pull the trigger she got all quiet and insecure. I didn’t know what was wrong and when I finally convinced her she could trust me with anything she needed to tell me, I can quite honestly say the last thing I ever expected to hear out of her mouth was, “I squirt…a lot.” Little did she know how hot I think squirting is. – Bill, 36
3. Nip Slip
I always knew having a third nipple was a thing but I had never seen one in person…until I met Bella. Cute name, right? Everything about this girl was adorable – even the way she warned me about it as I was taking off her top. I was about to unhook her bra when she placed her hands on my forearms and told me she needed to tell me something. Of course, in my head I’m bracing for the, “I have herpes,” or, “I have a dick,” talk so anything short of that didn’t bother me one bit. I’ll never forget how shy she was about something so tiny and unimportant. - Jamie, 28
4. ‘Fur Pie’
Listen, I’m 52. I’ve seen and heard most shit. Or at least I thought I had heard it all until a certain Frisky employee who shall remained unnamed, referred to her own bush as a “fur pie” before we were about to engage in some rated R material. Never in my life have I seen a woman so proud of such a massive amount of pubic hair. But hey, to each her own, I was just happy she warned me about it before I was face-first in her hairy dessert. Heath, 52
5. Moby Dick
Last Fall I was working with a guy I had a huge crush on. He was so sexy and there was this funny little rumor floating around the office he was “packing heat.” I was in complete shock when he asked me out. The first two dates were very low-key and somewhat platonic. It wasn’t until the third date things got a little more heated. I was tugging at his belt loop when he paused to warn me that his dick was, “a little bigger than the average Joe.” Damn was he being modest.
After dating for four months I measured it when he was hard and the damn thing weighed in at 9.5 inches long. – Therese, 29
6. Oh, Baby!
We were still in the car driving home from dinner when the guy I was on a date with PULLED OVER ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD to tell me he had a small penis and suffered from micro-penis. I almost laughed in his face because my brain was operating on four glasses of wine and I thought he was fucking with me. Turns out he wasn’t. It’s hard to get turned on and in the mood for sex when the man you’re with has a baby penis. I’m sure there are plenty of men and women out there who wouldn’t
mind a lesser package but I’m not one of them! Either way I thought it was cool he told me before things went any further between us. Caity, 24
7. Prince Albert
He wasn’t even a hipster! That’s what still gets me! He wore a fitted suit to work every day, had perfectly quaffed hair, sexy James Bond-esque glasses, and a fucking brief case. Do you know what kind of penis a man like this typically has? A non-pierced one. Not with my luck though. This guy tells me he’s got a metal rod through his junk once I’ve already committed to spending the night at his place. I guess most women find this hot? Or at least that’s what he said was the mentality behind getting it done? Not me, though. Sorry, I like my penises nickel and lead free. Tanner, 22
I asked my local barista out on a date and after five successful dates we were about to have sex when she calmly interrupted me from kissing her neck and said, “There’s something you need to see first.” I’m not sure what was going through my mind when she muttered those words but I definitely wasn’t expecting a decoupage of jewelry decorating her vagina. She had not one, not two, but seven piercings on her vagina. It was…unexpected…and…also kind of hot? Dale, 33
There’s nothing that will ruin a moment more than the woman you’re crazy about letting you know, “Before you take off my skirt, you should know there’s a tattoo by my vagina I haven’t gotten removed yet.” Which wouldn’t be problematic or worrisome at all if the tattoo wasn’t of the name of her ex husband. Matt, 25
10. See, C!
I met my son’s math teacher at a parent-teacher conference and immediately couldn't wait to see her again. She was so cute and so fun to be around. I loved everything about her as we got to know each other but I could tell she was very prude and shy when it came to anything sexual. Or so I thought. Turns out she was actually very kinky but was so ashamed of scars she has from a C-section that she didn’t feel sexy. I couldn't reassure her enough that I couldn’t care less. After she got that off her chest the real Ms. Fitzpatrick came out to play. - Bobby, 41
Laura C. Anderson | @s0mebl0nde
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