M I X O L O G Y  6 9


Laura C. Anderson

If liquor labels were honest about how they affected our sex lives, we’d all be able to avoid a lot more walks of shame. If only we knew which liquors were going to prepare us for a night of greatness and which ones were setting us up for utter failure. Beer and wine aside, this list includes the liquors we love, the cocktails we can’t get enough of, and the truth we rarely figure out until it’s too late. 

1.     Bloody Mary

Vodka, tomato juice, Worcestershire sauce, Tabasco sauce

You’re starting your morning off right, by noon you’ll be a VIP member of the Mile High Club. This cocktail is notorious among flyers for a reason.

2.     Mimosa

Orange juice and champagne

You’re planning on spending Sunday morning at the country club hoping to score more than just points during croquet. After a few rounds you’ll be drinking the champagne straight from the bottle, hold the juice.

3.     Margarita

Tequila, triple sex, lime and lemon juice

It’s tequila so after you’re done dancing on elevated surfaces you’ll be in the mood to lick more than just the salt off the rim.

4.     Jack & coke

Whiskey, coca cola

Have fun sexting your ex and crying into your pillow once you get home.

5.     Mojito

White rum, sugar, lime juice, sparkling water, mint

This drink is fruity and sweet so after enough of them you’ll have an elevated sense of self. You’re going to be the dude who gets slapped for demanding a blowjob.

6.     Gin n’ juice

Gin and choice of juice

Time to harness your inner Selena Gomez and be her metaphorical gin and juice, whatever that means.

7.     Vodka tonic

Vodka and tonic water

By the end of the night you’ll have at least twenty new friends, nineteen of which you’ll want to have sex with.

8.     Fireball and Angry Orchard

Cinnamon whiskey and hard apple cider

You will find that it is in fact impossible to take your clothes off and have somewhat decent sex in the backseat of the Uber without your driver knowing.

9.     Old fashioned

Whiskey, muddled sugar with bitters, citrus

CAUTION: May experience feelings of invincibility. You’re ready for any position. Unfortunately, this usually backfires. They don’t call it whiskey dick for nothing.

10. Scotch on the rocks

Scotch on ice

Your ego will be at its all time high and you will make false promises you absolutely cannot deliver, unless you know – you’re naturally that flexible and your stamina really is never-ending.

11. Rumrunner

White rum, grenadine, lime juice, blackberry brandy, pineapple juice, sour mix, and banana liqueur

This will leave you bloated because let’s be real, half the drink is pure sugar. You’ll have an immediate urge to dry hump anything around you followed by a crash five-hour nap. 

12. Martini

Gin and vermouth, with olive

You’re in the mood for lazy sex tonight, maybe missionary under the covers after you’ve both cleaned each other thoroughly in the shower.



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