What women are really thinking while you’re hitting on them at the bar.

By: Laura C. Anderson

Disclaimer: Half - okay, ¾ - of these responses are exaggerations but still pretty much spot on, let’s be honest. 

1. Hey, can I buy you a drink?

Sure, just know I’m going to go back to pretending you don’t exist after five to seven painful seconds of obligatory small talk.

  2.  Do you come here often?

I know you’re hoping I smile or giggle to give you some sense that this is going to work out for you tonight so please take my lack of both as me rejecting you as politely as possible.  

3. Why haven't I seen you here before?

Because I generally avoid going out in public so that I don’t have to deal with awkward encounters like these.  

4.  You're way too good looking to be sitting here alone.

Shit. Are you going to take my attraction as a formal invitation to join me?

5.  My friend over there wanted me to tell you he thinks you're really cute.

Thanks! Tell him he'll have better luck picking up a 5th grader.

6. I knew I had to meet you before the night was over.

Well, it’s 1:20 a.m., last call is in ten minutes, and we both know you’ve had too much whiskey to get anything up tonight.

7.    You're so hot, what are you doing later?

Not you.

8. Damn girl, I'd like to take you home.

Wow, honesty. Groundbreaking approach! But still no.

9. I'd love to get to know you but you should know I'm not looking for anything serious.

Oooh, so you'd love to get to know my ass and my vagina for one night and then never speak to me again? Great, you’re about as subtle as a gun. 

10. I’m really just looking for something casual right now.

What was that? You’re asking me to be your booty call? Allow me to ponder that riveting request while I sneak out the back door after telling you, “I just have to pee real quick and I’ll be right back!”

11. Do you want to do a shot?

You say shot, I hear anal. But yes, obviously I still want the free shot. 

12. You should come hang out with my friends and me. Bring your friends.

I get it. You want one of the girls I walked in with but you’re too scared to approach her so you broke the ice with me because my ponytail and lack of makeup makes me less intimidating. 

Laura C. Anderson | @s0mebl0nde



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