B A G I T U P
By: Laura C. Anderson
Are condoms going extinct or are the men I’m meeting just really into gambling away their futures? I swear I can’t even remember the last time a man even kept one in his wallet or offered to use one. I thought I was alone in this until I asked my girlfriends if they knew what I was talking about. They did. Apparently it’s becoming increasingly more common for men to assume we’re on some sort of birth control because they all seem to be ditching the condom altogether.
My girlfriends and I went out to the bars last weekend and when we met some cool guys it seemed like the perfect opportunity to ask for their viewpoints. Of course I waited until an appropriate amount of shots were taken. You know how it is, that pleasant transition in the evening from, “And where do you go to school?” to “OK, would you rather doggy-style or 69?”
It was pretty unanimous that the guys would rather ‘raw dog’ and risk a child than put on a condom. Unsure what they were drinking but please don’t order me one. That has got to be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. It’s extremely thin plastic; it’s not a hemp-knit glove over your dick. Get over it.
Men’s Health released the article, “The Best Rubbers For Men” and in the first paragraph it dismissed any theory that the condom distracts from the pleasure of sex and, in fact, writes that, “A recent study found that sexual pleasure increased when the men reported they were satisfied with how their condom felt.”
Oh weird, I guess Mr. Raw Dog needs to buy a new box. Perhaps you’re still using the same box your father gave you in middle school? Either way – never convince the girl you’re trying to swoon that you’d rather go without and risk HER getting pregnant because the overall feeling is “just better” without.
You can try Trojan Thintensity, which is twenty-five percent thinner than a standard TROJAN, this rubber has additional space in the tip so you’re more comfortable, too. And want to hear the best part? No baby when you’re done. They even come in an assortment of colors for all you energetic couples! Pink, orange, blue and green.
Speaking of assortment – we also discussed what was up with flavorful condoms. Now, I’ve never used one but last time I checked, I didn’t want my vagina to smell like grapes or blueberries afterwards and I also don’t know how fond I am of the idea of ruining my favorite fruit. It’s kind of like drinking alcohol and chasing it with your favorite soda or juice (ladies, you’ll know what I’m talking about here. Men think their entire masculinity will evaporate into thin air if they so much as utter the word “chaser”). When you chase alcohol with your favorite drink, and say, you get sick that night, that chaser will always remind you of the many shots of tequila, or whatever you were drinking, and for a while, the drink may bring up old feelings of regret.
I’m unsure as to what latex and strawberry tastes like, but I’m going to guess it doesn’t mimic berries and cream. Thank you, but the next time I have a strawberry banana smoothie, I would like it to quench my thirst without the reminder that the last time I tasted the flavor, I was using it to “chase” down the flavor of your cum.
So all bets to the side boys, not even tropical mango tango condoms will make your girl want to give you head any more than she already does. If she doesn’t want to, accept your fate or find someone who does. However, for those of you who’s sex lives have increased since the invention of flavorful condoms – congratulations to you all. The doctor never truly specified how you should get your servings of fruits and vegetables anyways.
To wrap up this post (pun intended), I just want to make one thing abundantly clear. Although we may convince ourselves that the sex is better without condoms and that au natural is the way to go, it’s also the way babies are made. With that in mind, make smart choices and protect yourself.
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