VALENTINE'S DAY GONE WRONG
Ten times a man tried swooping his woman off her feet but landed on his ass instead
Ah, Valentine’s Day, every man’s favorite holiday. As if the pressure alone to impress and satisfy your partner during the other 364 days of the year wasn’t enough, you’re stuck planning and stressing over one particular day that has to go absolutely perfect. Because if it doesn’t, you’ll be letting her expectations down, she’ll be upset, your relationship may end, she might cry, you might cry, or worst, no one will get laid.
So here we are, a month before the magical holiday, and I’m sure you’re racking your brain wondering what gifts you should be buying or what dinner reservations you should be making. After all, there’s always that one guy who just knocks it out of the park every year. He’s the husband whose wife is always bragging to her girlfriends, which, in turn, makes all her girlfriends hope you’ll be more like him. He’s the guy who rents a hot air balloon for his girlfriend so he can propose and shame you via Instagram. He’s the guy who makes you look bad and you’ll be damned if he does it again this year.
Lucky for you there’s many a men before you who have royally fucked this date up. These are the men who put so much timing and planning into Valentine’s Day so they can be more like ‘that guy’ just for it to blow up in their faces, burn their dicks, or send their girlfriend’s to the emergency room. What am I talking about, you wonder? These ten dudes below who’ll make any bloke reading their stories feel better:
1. You’re allergic to food coloring?
“My girlfriend loves Instagram. I mean like, she LOVES it. She’s always scrolling through it on her phone at all hours of the day and night. And lucky for me, she hides no effort in pointing out all the cutesy, adorable shit guys do for their girls. “Look, babe!! Isn’t that romantic??” Is a phrase I probably hear five times on a good day? Being a guy I naturally tune most of it out but every now and then something sticks.
I noticed she kept pointing out these black roses. I didn’t even know there was such a thing, but I’ve learned that for $160.00 a dozen, there certainly is. They have to be shipped here from out of the country, which is why a plant costs more than my weekly paycheck. But nothing is ever too good for my girl so I stepped Valentine’s Day up last year and painfully took the plunge, buying her a dozen silk, black dipped roses. Awesome.
What I didn’t know about my girlfriend, aside from her addiction to social media, was her allergy to food coloring. The same dye apparently used in dying the flowers because when they arrived her face went from pure excitement to red and swollen. She pressed her face into the bouquet and within minutes her face had a giant rash on it that began swelling so much I had to take her to a doctor on call. Worst for her, I completely ruined all chances of her taking that perfect Instagram photo with the Holy Grail of flowers. Worst for me, we had to throw them out immediately. $160.00 went down the drain along with my pride.” Curtis, 34.
2. Of course I know how to cook salmon!
“I’m a chef at one of the nicest restaurants in our city so I decided to order some exotic meat and fish and cook my fiancé a dinner she’d never forget. Most of the seafood was shipped from cold-water states but some of the oysters were locally based. After eating the salmon we dug right into the oysters. It didn’t take my fiancé long before her face went pale green and complained she wasn’t feeling so great. “You’re a chef, you’re supposed to know how to cook fish,” she yelled at me. I got offended and shouted that of course I knew how to cook salmon and it must have been one of the oysters. It didn’t matter how defensive I got because five minutes later she was buried into the toilet, where she stayed the following 24 hours.” Phillip, 37.
3. Can you take me to the ER?
“When my wife and I first met I was a little insecure about our age difference. I was 38 and she was 24. I knew she wanted more excitement in our sex life so I decided to do some research and try out a new sex position Valentine’s Day night. It was going great until my back somewhat gave out and I fell on top of her. She was in so much pain and tried to fight it until she eventually asked me to take her to the emergency room. Turns out I broke her arm.” - David, 33
4. Wait, we aren’t in room 302?
“I wanted to do something really special for my wife a few years back, so I decided to take her out to a really expensive dinner in New York City before going back to our hotel room where I had the concierge decorate our room with candles, chocolates, and rose petals leading to a drawn bath. I was so excited to see the look on her face but when I gave her the room key to go in before me she just waltzed right in and sighed that her feet hurt from her shoes. Confused, I walked in to realize the room looked exactly the same as when we had left it. I called down to the front desk just to embarrassingly learn we aren’t in room 302, we’re in room 203, and I told the concierge to decorate the wrong room.” - Jack, 27.
5. My penis is on fire!
Last year I swallowed my pride and boldly walked into one of our town’s sex shops. My girlfriend was sort of hinting at wanting to explore sex toys or lubricants so I bought a lubricant called “Fire & Ice.” It was supposed to warm up while you’re having sex and cool down as you finish. It sounded erotic and the salesperson swore by it. Later that night, I pulled out the packaging and my girlfriend squealed with excitement. It was all fun and games until the lubricant started to feel too hot on my junk. After a few minutes it literally felt like I was developing third degree burns, I pulled out, and my girlfriend looked so confused as I began shouting, “my penis is on fire!” Needless to say, it wasn’t the experience we had hoped for.” – Shaun, 40.
6. My name isn’t Jackie.
“Last year, I spent close to a month custom making this promise ring for my now-fiancé. I was in and out of the jeweler’s probably twice a week working on every last detail of the ring. The final step in the process was choosing what the engraving would read. I was in such a hurry because I needed to get home so my girlfriend wouldn’t suspect anything. So I, being a dumbass, wrote, ‘Jackie, I promise to always love you more tomorrow than I do today.’ It would have been perfect except my fiancé’s name is Brenda and my ex’s name is Jackie. I don’t know why I wrote my ex’s name and to this day I still don’t have an explanation for it. Luckily, my fiancé forgave me. I just had to buy her an even bigger ring to make up for it.” – Beck, 39
7. I never said you were fat.
“My girlfriend was never really into fitness until she met a girl at work with a body she couldn’t stop envying. She was so determined to look more like her that she completely changed her diet and started working out more. A gym membership wasn’t in her budget so for Valentine’s Day I bought her a workout package that included Pilates, yoga, cycling, and boot camp boxing. It was expensive and I thought I did a really good job finally getting a thoughtful gift. My pride instantly vanished the second her face dropped, she shoved the papers back in my face, and began crying thinking I thought she was fat. It didn’t matter how many times I tried to convince her I wasn’t implying that. She still makes me regret that gift to this day and it’s been three years.” - Gary, 30.
8. No, those aren’t my porn magazines.
“Oddly enough, I first met one of my ex-girlfriend’s parents on Valentine’s Day. Her parents were experiencing a problem with their heater so they needed a warmer place to spend the night. Of course, I offered my apartment right away. Her father was the pastor at our local church so naturally I took the couch while my ex took my room and while her parents slept in the guest room. My dumbass forgot about the porn magazines in the nightstand and the next morning at breakfast her father mortifyingly set them down on the table and told his daughter she was never to see me again.” - Dan, 40.
9. You’re not cheating on me?
“I thought my ex girlfriend was cheating on me with my best friend so I waited until Valentine’s Day to get my revenge and tell her I knew. I had this elaborate scheme to get her all excited for the perfect evening just so I could see the look on her face when I busted her. Turns out, she had been texting my friend and meeting up with him so much and acting all sketchy because he was helping her plan the perfect birthday for me, which is February 17th. I’ve never in my life felt like such an idiot. She waited until my birthday to dump me. I guess I had that coming.” - Peter, 24.
10. I promise I don’t want to divorce you.
“I booked a trip to Disney, my wife’s FAVORITE place on Earth and decided to wait until Valentine’s Day morning to tell her the good news. I had been acting a little weird and distant from her because I’m terrible at keeping secrets. Unfortunately, I got called into work last minute and couldn’t spend the day with her so I texted the surprise. Unbeknownst to me, my phone autocorrected ‘Disney’ to ‘Divorce.’ So instead of receiving, “The reason I’ve been acting so weird is because I’ve been waiting to tell you we are going to Disney,” she received, “The reason I’ve been acting so weird is because I’ve been waiting to tell you we are going to divorce.” She spent the whole day crying.” - Frank, 50.
Laura C. Anderson | @s0mebl0nde
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