By: Laura C. Anderson
I’m sitting at a table in the corner of Starbucks patiently waiting for two couples to arrive. The couples I’m expecting aren’t your typical couples, either. They swing. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, swinging refers to a promiscuous form of sex in which couples swap partners with other couples.
The first to arrive are Jess* and Ben*. Jess has a subtle attractiveness to her. She’s tall; maybe 6’1”, and wearing jeans with an oversized sweater to hide her size DD boobs. Ben is slightly overweight and has absurdly overgrown facial hair. Together they’re funny, charming, and very outgoing. Though, I couldn’t picture them having sex with each other much less with another couple. You know how some couples just ooze sexuality? Like you almost wish you could be a fly on the wall of their bedroom when they go to do it? Well, this wasn’t the case for Jess and Ben. The two have been married for 16 years and have three daughters ages 8, 11, and 15. They have that, “Our kids replaced our libidos” look to them. You know, that look parents typically get when their kids become their priorities?
Though, somehow when the couple they swing with arrived, it all made sense. Over walked Sara* and Jim*, an Asian couple with identical beaming smiles. Sara is adorable as hell peaking at 5’4”. Her husband isn’t much taller and he’s very petite in size. Both are very quiet in nature, yet unbearably polite. Sara tells me she met Jim in high school and has been married for 12 years. They have two cats and live with Sara’s parents in a condo along the ocean.
Separately, the couples don’t look like they would have much in common– let alone mesh up sexually. It occurred to me that after over a decade of sex with the same partner, you’d want to mix it up with someone who’s completely opposite of your typical routine. IE: model-height Jess with a much larger husband mixing it up with 5’7”, petite Jim, and hefty Ben with a tall, athletic-looking wife mixing it up with short, small-breasted Sara.
The four of them sat comfortably around me for 45 minutes as I asked all my burning questions. I expected them to be embarrassed or coy to discuss their experiences swinging, but they were in fact quite nonchalant about the entire thing. It is, of course, a normal thing to pursue; it’s just not your run-of-the-mill discussion. You never run into your girl, Linda at the grocery store and ask her how her weekend was just to hear, “Great, Bob and I had sex with our neighbors!” To put it simply, this is the shit that’s usually brushed way, waaaaay under the rug.
So here it is, real life answers from real life swinging couples. The questions you’re dying to know, answered and revealed:
Q: So, guys, what made you want to do this?
Sara: “We would never cheat on one another but we were bored with our sex lives. Very bored. We wanted to mix things up again and we aren’t okay with BDSM. This seemed like the most natural option.”
Ben: “Curiosity mixed with boredom. We agreed that sometimes all you need is another partner to make you remember why you’re so lucky with your current partner.”
Q: Speaking of current partner - how does this work? Did you guys promise not to get angry at one another?
Jim: “As soon as one of us wanted to stop or didn’t like it, we agreed to stop entirely.”
Jess: “We talked a lot about this before actually doing it. Researched a lot of dating sites. Watched a lot of porn involving more than one couple. We wanted to make sure we knew what we were getting into. We knew there was a possibility we’d get mad but that’s why communication is key.”
Q: I’m sure communication makes all the difference. Did you discuss certain things that were off limits beforehand?
Sara: “No anal.”
Ben: “Yes, we both decided kissing was a little too intimate so we took that off the table. Other than that, this was about exploring our sexual fantasies so we wanted to keep it as open as possible.”
Q: Was it awkward your first time?
Jim: “Definitely felt strange, I don’t think there’s any way for it not to.”
Jess: “It was…. different. Not in a bad way, not in a good way. Just… different.”
Q: I’m dying to know, where did you guys decide to do it?
Sara: “Well we live with my parents so our place was off limits, plus, that felt a little too personal. We wanted to go somewhere impersonal so we decided on a suite in a nearby hotel.”
Ben: “We have kids so our place was never even an option. I think it was pretty unanimous that a hotel was the best way to go.”
Q: So you all check into the room, now what?
Jim: “We didn’t really waste any time. We began getting undressed and then – you know…”
Jess: “We didn’t have any toys or anything, we just swapped partners and took to our own queen beds and, well, it began. It was kind of quiet at first but not after a while.”
Q: What were the first five or ten minutes like?
Ben: “Crazy, but after we all eased into it, things got kind of kinky. It felt more natural.”
Q: Did it ever feel like cheating?
Jim: “It did a little but because we were both doing it together next to one another, it felt more like something we were doing together instead of separately behind each other’s backs. There was nothing to hide.”
Jess: “Definitely not. We were all so open about what was going on, it never felt like a betrayal.”
Q: Is it hard to get in the zone with your partner… ya know… right there?
Sara: “At first it is. It feels strange. I remember feeling jealous but also turned on, it’s a weird thing to explain. At one point I looked over at Jim and he was so into it with Jess and that probably should have made me angry but it was weirdly hot.”
Ben: “It wasn’t for me. Sex with Jess is incredible because we’re in love, we have kids together – we connect – but also knowing I have a wife who is cool enough to do something like this with me was such a turn on. I literally felt closer to my wife after having sex with Sara.”
Q: So you guys did watch one another?
Jim: “Absolutely! It was hot watching the woman I get to go home with have sex. I never get to see her from those angles, you know?”
Jess: “I couldn’t take my eyes off Ben.”
Q: What would happen if while watching, one of you got jealous?
Sara: “We’d stop. We all knew if at any point one of us wanted to stop, we would.”
Ben: “With kissing off the table it was strictly physical for me so I never felt that feeling of jealousy.”
Q: There was no point for any of you where you wanted to stop?
Jim: “Not for us.”
Jess: “Yeah, no, it was fun.”
Q: I think it’s amazing the four of you were able to totally enjoy it without any concerns. What would you say is the best way for other couples to make it work?
Sara: “Communication. Talk about everything; lay it all out on the table. If you have even the slightest worry or insecurity, it needs to be addressed before you begin.”
Ben: “Find couples that are a solid match for the two of you. It’s not fun if your wife has a hotter partner or a partner who’s more into it than the one you’re with. The entire experience needs to feel equal and balanced.”
Q: What did you say to one another when it was over?
Jim: “We couldn’t wait to get in the car and tell each other everything. It’s not like there was anything to hide, we were both right there. It was time to talk about everything.”
Jess: “We asked each other so many questions. Like – never ending questions. At work the next day we’d text each other to find out more about the experience. The first thing I asked Ben was, do you want to do that again?”
Q: And how many times have you guys done it since your first time?
Ben: “Only three, we haven’t explored outside of this set-up yet.”
Q: Do your friends know?
Jim: “Nope. Sara would kill me.”
Jess: “Absolutely not. This is kept totally discrete and private. I think I would die of embarrassment if anyone ever found out. It just works out better this way.”
Q: Do you guys hang out altogether outside of swinging?
Sara: “There isn’t really any time – we all have busy schedules. It’s hard enough to find a night during the week we can all get together for sex.”
Ben: “I think this is one of those relationships we’d all rather keep secret.”
Q: How’s your sex life outside of swinging now? Has it gotten better, worst?
Jim: “MUCH better.”
Jess: “It’s actually crazy how much closer we’ve gotten. Plus, it’s hot having this dirty little secret. It’s like we’re living double lives.”
Well – there you have it folks – if there was such a thing as Swinger’s Digest, these couples would make the front page. It’s definitely a cool, alternative way to spice up one’s sex life. To be honest, I was shocked there weren’t really any road bumps or issues. Let’s hear it for Sara, Jim, Jess, & Ben, the real MVP’s of swinging.
Names with (*) have been changed to remain anonymous.
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