T E X T I Q U E T T E

By: Laura C. Anderson

Between the cold weather discouraging me from leaving my house and the lack of men to go visit once actually leaving – I can say with certainty and a little shame that I’ve spent my fair share of time on Tinder lately.

Nothing wrong with that, of course. I have a few friends who met their current bae’s on the trusty ‘Hot or Not’ app. Sure, you’ll probably swipe left more than you swipe right but when you finally do encounter a match that excites you, it makes all the time wasted somehow worth it.

In the last two months, I’ve encountered three men worthy of the ‘right swipe’ that I went on to speak with outside of the Tinder chat room. Of course, while confined inside the walls of the app, things seemed great. The boys used unconventional introductory methods and actually convinced me for a brief period of time that Tinder was totally awesome.

Once the conversation moved to texting the fire began to burn out. Each text was like another water droplet on the flame. I didn’t understand how these incredibly handsome men could be such poor communicators on the easiest form of communication there is. It’s not like the keyboards on smartphones aren’t workable. There’s even Emojis for all those incapable of expressing their emotions clearly with words. If you have an iPhone Siri will text out what you speak into the microphone. I mean come on people; texting should not be one of your shortcomings. We have sex to worry about for that.

All I’m saying is lately I’ve noticed a lot of men who haven’t quite mastered texting etiquette. I’m not trying to sound like one of those snobby girls who expect a text back within two minutes of my last response, not at all. I’m not even asking for a response every time. If I tell you I’m at the gym, I don’t expect a novella in return. I’m lifting weights, whoopdido – I’ll call you later. The following ten points are non-negotiable, though:

1.     If you text me first, keep the conversation going. I don’t want you to say, “Sup?” just so I can respond with a detailed itinerary of my day and have you respond with, “ha cool.” Either talk to me or don’t waste my time.

2.     Stop adding a ‘winky face’ at the end of everything you’re saying. It’s creeping me out.

3.     Send me a dick pic before we meet and I will screenshot it and make it my Facebook status.

4.     If you fail to use punctuation such as exclamation points, commas, periods, or question marks, I will assume you didn’t make it past elementary school and ignore you.

5.     Use a freaking Emoji. You sound bored. Bored aint cute.

6.     If I’m joking around or trying to be sarcastic, just go with it. Don’t turn a carefree joke into something serious.

7.     If you’re flirty, funny or sarcastic in person, that should be conveyed through your texts.

8.     General rule of thumb: Don’t ask me for a nude pic before you even know my last name.

9.     2016 Petition: Take away phones from anyone who finds it socially acceptable to respond using one word. Who’s with me?

10. If you vaguely ask me out, I will directly decline.

Example:

    Him: We should chill sometime

            Me: Yeah! I’m free this weekend, actually

            Him: I don’t know what my schedule looks like yet

            Me: Okay well just let me know!

            Him on Friday: We should definitely chill soon

            Me: Brain explodes*

 

I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me but I think there’s a fair share of men who could use a class (or ten) on texting etiquette.


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