Laura C. Anderson
If liquor labels were honest about how they affected our sex lives, we’d all be able to avoid a lot more walks of shame. If only we knew which liquors were going to prepare us for a night of greatness and which ones were setting us up for utter failure. Beer and wine aside, this list includes the liquors we love, the cocktails we can’t get enough of, and the truth we rarely figure out until it’s too late.
1. Bloody Mary
Vodka, tomato juice, Worcestershire sauce, Tabasco sauce
You’re starting your morning off right, by noon you’ll be a VIP member of the Mile High Club. This cocktail is notorious among flyers for a reason.
Orange juice and champagne
You’re planning on spending Sunday morning at the country club hoping to score more than just points during croquet. After a few rounds you’ll be drinking the champagne straight from the bottle, hold the juice.
Tequila, triple sex, lime and lemon juice
It’s tequila so after you’re done dancing on elevated surfaces you’ll be in the mood to lick more than just the salt off the rim.
4. Jack & coke
Whiskey, coca cola
Have fun sexting your ex and crying into your pillow once you get home.
White rum, sugar, lime juice, sparkling water, mint
This drink is fruity and sweet so after enough of them you’ll have an elevated sense of self. You’re going to be the dude who gets slapped for demanding a blowjob.
6. Gin n’ juice
Gin and choice of juice
Time to harness your inner Selena Gomez and be her metaphorical gin and juice, whatever that means.
7. Vodka tonic
Vodka and tonic water
By the end of the night you’ll have at least twenty new friends, nineteen of which you’ll want to have sex with.
8. Fireball and Angry Orchard
Cinnamon whiskey and hard apple cider
You will find that it is in fact impossible to take your clothes off and have somewhat decent sex in the backseat of the Uber without your driver knowing.
9. Old fashioned
Whiskey, muddled sugar with bitters, citrus
CAUTION: May experience feelings of invincibility. You’re ready for any position. Unfortunately, this usually backfires. They don’t call it whiskey dick for nothing.
10. Scotch on the rocks
Scotch on ice
Your ego will be at its all time high and you will make false promises you absolutely cannot deliver, unless you know – you’re naturally that flexible and your stamina really is never-ending.
White rum, grenadine, lime juice, blackberry brandy, pineapple juice, sour mix, and banana liqueur
This will leave you bloated because let’s be real, half the drink is pure sugar. You’ll have an immediate urge to dry hump anything around you followed by a crash five-hour nap.
Gin and vermouth, with olive
You’re in the mood for lazy sex tonight, maybe missionary under the covers after you’ve both cleaned each other thoroughly in the shower.
WHILE YOU'RE HERE, CHECK OUT SOME OF OUR OTHER ARTICLES:
There are plenty of reasons relationships don’t work out. Some have real validity, others are just excuses we tell to get out of the arrangement. Today, we’re looking at 6 points of failure. Read all of them here.
ENTERTAINING A WOMAN'S ATTENTION PAST THE FIRST DATE
You’ve got a woman’s gaze and moved past that awkward first meeting. Now what? Read our top secret advice from Anicia Bragg here.
It’s about time we dive into the titillating world of strip clubs and discover what qualities separates the great from the gross. Read Laura's take on it all here.
It’s about time we give her panties a voice, isn’t it? I’m here to break down what her lingerie says about her, or more importantly, what she thinks it’s saying to you. Read Laura Anderson's hilarious take here.
“Wait, your boyfriend is the same age as your dad?” Catch Laura Anderson's hilarious take on the infamous age gap here.
What she’s really thinking when she sees your junk. Laura Anderson lays it all down here.