By: Laura C. Anderson
1. Josh M., 26: “I wish I could tell her I’m going to the strip club instead of lying and saying I’m going golfing with my buddies.”
So what if it’s 2 p.m. on a Tuesday? If you want about a dozen STD’s grinding against your junk then that’s your prerogative and damn right you should be able to tell her.
2. David L., 23: “I want to admit that I watch porn – like - a lot of porn.”
Okay if she doesn't assume you watch it then you’re dating a colonial woman from the 1900’s because this is the 21st century and porn is practically everywhere. We assume that if you have access to a computer or iPhone, you are accessing it for the sole purposes of porn and Draft Kings.
3. Mike R., 29: “I just want to ask for a guy’s night, but I’m afraid that will offend her.”
I mean, don’t exclude her if she asks to join but 9/10 times she’ll be happy to have the apartment to herself. There’s a lot of weird shit we do when we’re alone, which, doesn’t happen as often as we’d like.
4. James C., 30: “I hate how she leaves the bathroom.”
It’s true, we’ll flip on you for leaving the seat up but the sink looks like a chemical wasteland and there’s enough hair in the drain to make a wig out of.
5. Daniel R., 31: “I smoke and I haven’t told her yet. I think it's a deal breaker.”
For many women and men, smoking is a deal breaker. If it’s something you enjoy doing and don’t see yourself quitting then you owe it to yourself and her to tell the truth.
6. David P., 21: “I want a threesome.”
Fucking hell, David. Definitely don’t ask for that one because she will chop off your balls.
7. Max F., 27: “She’s constantly taking pictures of herself or us and it’s so annoying. People will stare at us in public and I don’t know what to say to make it stop.”
Okay – so on one level it’s great that she has enough confidence to take pictures of herself despite people watching; it shows she doesn't care what anyone else thinks. On another level, if your entire outing is just filtering photos, she’s not enjoying the moment with you. There’s a balance, but if you think by mentioning it she will take sex off the table then I’d suffer in silence.
8. Jack K., 23: “She gives a toothy blowjob.”
Are we talking it feels like you’re receiving head from a shark or a teething infant? Both sound painful but if it’s the former then good God, man, tell her.
9. Mark S., 34: “The lingerie she bought to look sexy in actually makes her look like a fucking idiot”
Okay so she bought that really, reeeeaaallly expensive outfit for you. If you actually hate it you should tell her to return it because she’d rather have cash in her pocket than $75 worth of strings and lace. Especially if you’re just going to take off before you even begin foreplay.
10. Ben E., 25: “My girlfriend is so awkward at role-playing but she loves it and thinks it’s her hidden talent.”
LOL. Sorry, I’m just picturing a girl dressed as a sexy secretary or hot nurse and saying the weirdest shit. I don’t know how to help you there. Honesty is always the best policy?
11. Ben M., 32: “I wish she would stop talking about how much guys want her.”
It’s definitely annoying when someone is constantly rubbing it in your face how desirable they are. This is a cry for attention in the most innocent way, though. She wants you to make her feel special and desired. She probably feels expendable to you, prove to her she’s not and she’ll stop making it sound like she’s got the world’s most wanted vagina.
12. Jeff T., 24: “She’s wears too much makeup.”
A lot of women wear too much makeup but it’s just because they think they need it in order to be pretty. Instead of telling her she wears too much, tell her she looks beautiful every time she’s not wearing any. Think of it as positive reinforcement.
13. Teddy D., 30: “Her best friend tried to hit on me.”
DEFINITELY TELL HER. She will be upset but not at you, she’ll be thankful you told her the truth. Even if it seems like she’s mad at you, it’s just because the truth is hurting her and you’re the easiest to take it out on.
14. Leighton S., 26: “Sometimes she wants me to eat her out but her vagina smells bad.”
Maybe suggest a little shower foreplay first? Lather up her nether regions before going to work when you get out? Otherwise, I’m sorry you’re just going to have to be honest. “Honey, your pussy smells like a fish market.”
15. Ryan S., 23: “She needs to lose weight.”
This topic may be a little too sensitive to talk about. If she’s overweight, she knows it. Women are usually hypercritical of themselves. Ask her to workout with you and when she asks why, tell her it turns you on when she’s all sweaty. I don’t know, make something up, and just get the bitch on the treadmill.
16. Steve C., 23: “Should I tell her that I think her parents suck?”
What? No. Why would you ever say that? Nope. Definitely not. 100% no.
17. Sam L., 33: “I don’t want kids.”
That could be a huge deal breaker for her. You owe it to her to be honest. I’m sorry if it ends in a breakup but you’re better off with someone who wants the same things you do.
18. Kyle G., 22: “I have an STD.”
Jesus Christ, Kyle. If you’re not using a condom then you’re a jackass. Actually, scratch that, even if you’re using a condom you’re still a jackass. Didn’t you learn anything from the Charlie Sheen scandal? TELL HER.
19. Tom B., 29: “She’s not very good at her job.”
There is just no mercy with you men. If she legitimately enjoys what she’s doing then keep that opinion to yourself. People are passionate about stuff they’re not good at all the time – maybe with more practice she’ll get better.
20. Tony F., 31: “My number.”
I get it. Too high and you’re a player, too low and you’re lame. That’s a conversation you can have when you’re really comfortable with each other. However – no woman wants to hear a triple digit number. A man told me triple digits once and I literally booked an appointment with my OBGYN the next day. If yours is that high, definitely divide that number in half. Or in a third.
LAURA ANDERSON | @s0mebl0nde