LOCK. LUBE. LIFT OFF.
There’s a new interactive male masturbator on the market and this one will blow more than just your mind.


By: Laura C. Anderson


Remember these? You probably have one stuffed away in a nearby sock drawer right now. These velvet soft pocket pussies disguised as flashlights are now old-school thanks to Kiiroo, a Dutch company specializing in new age sex toys, who just revamped the fleshlight game.

Kiiroo’s main objective is to get you off. The masterminds at Kiiroo accomplish this with cutting edge sex technology, like their newest male masturbator, The Fleshlight Launch.
 

Cue: “ooh” and “ah” cards.

 

You may be familiar with Kiiroo products already, like the famous Onyx and Pearl devices. It was during January’s AVN Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas where Kiiroo unveiled this nifty espresso machine looking sex device.

Essentially, it’s just a small robot that makes your existing Fleshlight interactive, because just staring at a computer screen or smut magazine is just so 2016.

That’s right, say goodbye to your traditional porn/masturbation ways and say hello to hooking up your beloved sex toy to interactive adult movies, virtual reality porn, and the elusive webcam performers. If you’re like me you’re wondering how a Fleshlight can ‘connect’ to a video. Well – thank God for new-age tech and overtly horny geniuses because this device takes the work of manual stroking out of the equation. An automatic stroker for hands-free masturbating…I’m as perplexed as you are.

Caution, this bad boy can power up to 180 strokes per minute but can be synchronized to pre-designed pleasure patterns incase you’re not the 0-100 stroke-type.

Here’s the video showcasing this futuristic, fancy masturbator.

For all of you readers who are eager and horny but technologically inept, KIIROO went the extra mile with this visual manual below. It’s a little over seven minutes in length so sit down, strap in, pause the porn playing in the background and get ready to have your mind blown.
 

If you don’t want to waste seven minutes of your life on this “quick” tutorial, then it’s your lucky day because I took one for the team and watched it for us. Here’s the SparkNotes version:

  • Your purchase comes complete with an authenticity card to activate your one-year warranty, a set-up card, a short manual, The Fleshlight Launch, and a charging USB cable.
     
  • Don’t get too excited because you’ll need about 6-9 hours worth of patience before using the device. It will take approximately this long to charge before a green light pops on signaling it’s orgasm time.
     
  • How should you use this crucial time? You could go out and be a productive member of society OR you could compile a list of your favorite smut sites and bookmark links to the videos. All the while creating your user account at Kiiroo.com. Your choice, really.
     
  •  While you’re perusing the Internet don’t forget to register your device at www.kiiroo.com/launchwarranty.
     
  • Now it’s time for the fun stuff. Break out your handy dandy iPhone and download FeelMe apps. The app, “Feel Connect,” helps you connect with other users while the app, “Feel VR,” will allow you to connect your device to virtual reality porn. What a time to be alive.
     
  • So it’s been 6-9 hours, I would assume you’ve given yourself incredibly painful blue balls by now but congratulations because it’s time to get locked and loaded. Or, in this case, locked and unloaded. It’s during this stage you’ll take the gold Fleshlight and rotate it until it locks into the big black Darth Vader-looking contraption.  
     
  • I hope your lubricant of choice is nearby because you’ll need to lather that gooey goodness all over your junk and the interior of the Fleshlight.
  • Press the “Launch” button and boom; you’re in interactive mode. The flashing blue light will mean it’s connecting to Bluetooth, but if you press it again and the light goes off, it will be in manual mode.
  • Once you’re ~*finished*~ you simply hold down the same button you pressed when you turned it on for four seconds and voilà, happy ending.


The best part of all is the privacy protection and discrete shipping and billing Kiiroo provides. The device will arrive in a plain brown package with no obvious signs a Fleshlight resides inside. You can probably also expect it to be delivered by one of those creeper white vans with no windows. Phew, now you won’t have to freak out if you’ve got nosey neighbors. 


Laura C. Anderson | @s0mebl0nde


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