L I S T E N T O W H A T I ' M N O T S A Y I N G
By: Laura C. Anderson
Let’s face it women are confusing. If you’ve ever spoken to a woman and found yourself needing a translator because it felt like she was speaking a foreign language, you’re not alone. Truth be told, we don’t even understand ourselves half the time. We hardly ever say what we mean and we get upset if you can’t read between our already blurry lines.
Words of advice, it’s safe to assume we mean the complete opposite of whatever we say. If it feels like you got away with something too easily, you did. If after a conversation you’ve found yourself sleeping on the couch or banned from all sexual activity, maybe it’s because you didn’t have anyone help you decode her. You hear, “It’s all good. No drama here. Let’s just eat something and have sex,” while you should have heard, “I’m sensitive and hormonal and I need you to stop believing me when I tell you I’m okay because I’m not okay and I need chocolate STAT. Also, tell me I look pretty.”
So yeah…you may want to write a few of these down.
“Do What You Want”
DO NOT DO WHAT YOU WANT. Don’t move, don’t answer, don’t even breathe, just play dead.
Lord have mercy on your soul if you do not immediately realize you have unleashed the fire-breathing dragon.
Honestly, anytime a woman's response is reduced to one syllable, you're fucked.
“Don’t worry about it.”
LIES. Definitely worry about it. What you say or do next will determine whether or not you’re sleeping on the couch tonight.
“First of all”
No good sentence ever follows those three words. No woman has ever been like, "first of all, I'm going to suck your dick and then…” Trust me, she has done her research and you are not getting out of this. Accept defeat.
“If that's what you want”
Unless what you want is also exactly what she wants, she's not giving you a green light on anything. That's a red light, and a stop sign. There's also caution tape involved.
“It's just not what I was expecting”
She hates it, all of it. Whatever "it" is, it doesn't matter. This is her politely saying you better fix it. Yesterday.
“I just think it's funny that”
Now would be a good time to begin mentally flashing back to everything you did or said within the last 24 hours.
Stop texting. Avoid all forms of communication. Don't ask her what's wrong it will just light the fire. Run.
She is not granting you permission. This is a dare and you better not choose now to be brave.
“I don’t care”
Are you aware you’re now single?
“I don’t want anything, I’m not hungry”
Order her something. Anything. If you don’t she will eat at least ¾ of whatever you get for yourself, especially if it’s fried.
“That’s okay, we don’t have to go”
Oh no, you do have to go. If you don’t she will plan how you will pay for it while you are sleeping.
“Have fun with your friends tonight”
Don’t have fun. Even if you do have fun - like long-weekend-in-Vegas-for-your-bachelor-party-with-unlimited-funds-and-booze fun, lie and tell her it sucked because she wasn’t there. Oh and when she asks whether or not there were any pretty girls? There were a few but they all lacked real substance and personality and that’s why she’s the full package.
Everything. Everything is wrong. The speed at which this response is given when you ask her what’s wrong is inversely proportional to the amount of hell coming your way.
“I’ll be ready in five minutes”
Hahahah. Sorry, has any woman ever been ready for anything in five minutes?
She’s not confused; she’s amazed one person could be so stupid.
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