LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR DICK


What she’s really thinking when she sees your junk. 


By: Laura C. Anderson


According to Twitter, today marks #NationalSendANudeDay, the very first occasion in which we’re invited, nay, encouraged, to strip down and send NSFW photos. Although, really, I’m sure the inventor and workers over at Snapchat know this day isn’t really different from any other. Nonetheless, in spirit of this holy holiday I felt it would only be fitting that we discuss the various penis lengths and shapes and what a woman’s natural reaction is towards each one. Shall we begin?

HUGE

You might be King Kong banging on his chest with a mighty 9-incher but I can promise you she's both impressed and terrified when she sees it. Our holes are itty bitty, and yes, we squeeze human life through that canal but we’re not trying to experience that sensation on a daily basis. Nonetheless, few women will complain about your Moby Dick, especially if it’s cozying right up to her G-spot. 

 

Emoji Level: 

Michelle, 23: "The first time my boyfriend and I had sex, I thought he was going to break me in half. He’s probably 10 inches when completely hard. Blowjobs are impossible but I can say for certain that he’s ruined me for all other men."

 

TINY

I'll be honest, our first reaction is to ‘aw’ at it in pity as if it were one of those helpless puppies in a cage at an adoption agency. It's both disappointing and unfortunate but we're aware it's 100% not your fault. On the plus side, it makes giving you head 10x easier so we can finally harness our inner porn star and deep throat you. See? There's always a silver lining.


Emoji Level:

Leah, 31: “I was crazy about my first husband, but at the end of the day, the sex just wasn’t that amazing. We used toys here and there to reach the places his couldn't, but there’s nothing quite like the real deal.”


UNCIRCUMSIZED

For many women, this is uncharted territory. Her initial thoughts are typically along the lines of, "Wait, where's the head?" Until she realizes the foreskin folds down while the penis goes from flaccid to erect to stimulate him, it can be a bit of a mind bender for her.

Emoji Level:

Barbara, 40: “I remember the first time I saw an uncircumcised penis. I giggled because I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do with it. To this day I couldn’t tell the difference between the two once they’re inside so what does it matter? Turns out, there’s just more to love.”

CURVY

She’s thinking, "Thank god I went to Pilates this week so I can bend my body to make this work." There's nothing dissatisfying about a curved penis per say unless it's practically scraping against one specific area while it’s inside her. Curved or not, just remember, "If it fits, I sits."   

Emoji Level: 

Lacy, 26: “It’s a little harder for me to give head to my boyfriend because when he gets really hard his penis gets extra curvy but for the most part I don’t notice it while we’re having sex. It makes him unique and I wouldn’t want him to be upset with me if I had a crooked vagina, if that was possible. Wait, is it?”

SKINNY

I hope you're good at cunnilingus because this may not do the trick. With a skinny penis you run the risk of getting asked whether or not you're inside her yet while you're already balls-deep. Sometimes there's just not enough stimulation and other times you're the perfect amount for her size. There’s only one way to find out…


Emoji Level:


Jen, 30: “My husband has a thin penis and I love it. It never feels too abrasive for me. Obviously it doesn’t have the ‘wow factor’ a much wider or thicker penis might have but it certainly gets the job done in bed.”

CHUBBY

Ah, there’s nothing quite like a thick dick. Also referred to as a “chode,” a woman is always impressed by girth, and in this case, the more the merrier. It's amazing how pleasurable a short penis can be if it has a wide enough circumference. Our geometry teachers were right, you do use math in every day life.

Emoji Level: 

Christina, 36: “There’s something really pleasurable about a penis that stretches the inside of your vagina walls just enough while penetrating. I know it sounds weird but having that added pressure just makes the orgasm that much hotter.”

GROWERS NOT SHOWERS

So you may not be the Incredible Hulk at first glance but with just the right temptation and blood flow, you could quickly become everything she needs in order to live out her 50 Shades fantasy. According to an international Men’s Health survey, 79% of you dudes out there are growers, not show-ers.  

Emoji Level:

Samantha, 21: “Ugh, these guys are so misleading. You see them soft and you’re like, wait, what?! How did that become what was just inside me? It’s like the best magic trick, ever.”

UNPREDICTABLE

The thing about unpredictable dick is that we’re still hashing out the details on this one. Basically, it's when you have no idea what to expect from your dick. Think of whisky dick when you're drunk. Will you get it up? Will you stay hard? No one knows. This same phenomenon is applied to this certain category of penis even when you're not drunk. If she likes surprises, she'll be down. If not, back to Kleenex and KY.

Emoji Level:

Heather, 33: “I swear, my last boyfriend had no control over his dick. Even when I was revving up his engine and he was all hot and bothered, his downstairs wasn’t getting the message. We’d be in bed and he’d want to have sex but I guess his little guy didn’t. Then, other times, he’d be at work and hard as a damn rock. It was frustrating for us both.”

SHOW-ERS

"I swear, he had a third leg," is the most commonly associated phrase with men who are just as large and in charge while flaccid as they are erect. This will elicit the "ooh" and "ahh" responses from the ladies. It's like being at a circus and watching an otherwise unlikely animal perform a trick that impresses even the toughest contenders. With men like you, the hype is there from start to finish.

Emoji Level:

Grace, 29: “I love how what you see is what you get with these kinds of guys. I used to hook up with a guy in my office who was a show-er and he’d always wear these really tight khakis and I could always see the outline of his dick through his pants, it was really hot.”


Laura C. Anderson | @s0mebl0nde


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